Obviously, I had my work cut out for me. I do have an old bread machine, so I gave it a whirl.
I followed the directions in the instruction manual for plain white bread.
I was really excited about this new endeavor, until the machine beeped and I found this inside. WTF?!
As it turns out, the yeast had expired and didn't have the necessary rising effect on the dough. This probably explains the weird conehead shape.
With a little butter the bread tasted okay, but I clearly have my work cut out for me.